The Life of a Puppy This morning, I woke up & kissed my dad's head. I peed on the carpet, then went back to bed. "The life of a puppy, oh my, this is great." Then I thought about breakfast "I hope it's not late." Mom took me outside, we walked for a while. This never fails to make Mama smile. I sniffed of everything, that we did pass, I ate something weird -- it gave me gas. I'm sure God loves me, I know that is true. He gave me so many great things to chew. Rugs, plants or rocks, I really don't care. What I truly like best, is Dad's underwear. That obedience book, was sort of yummy. Though it didn't sit well on my poor puppy tummy. I threw up a bit, but that was all right. When Mom found it later, I was well out of sight. I made streamers of T. P., while running at full speed.. Mom is pretty quick -- but I was still in the lead. I flew under the bed, and Mom flew past. She stopped-shook her head, breathed, "You're too fast." Mama later phoned Daddy and said, "It was frightening!" That afternoon, she was sure I'd pooped lightning. She'd sat at the computer, while I chewed the cord. She thought I was mad, but I was just bored. When Mama had enough, couldn't take anymore, that's when my tushy got shoved out the door. I love it inside, but outside is best. Lay in the cool grass, and had a good rest. That didn't last long, there was too much to do -- Can't quite remember where I hid Daddy's shoe. I found an old bone, and scratched at a flea, I watched the dumb squirrels as they jumped in a tree. I barked at the kids, when they got off the bus. I can't figure out why this makes Mama fuss. I barked at the neighbor, I barked at the wind. I barked and barked, till Mom yelled, "COME IN." The sun dipped in the west-soon Daddy would come! I sure love my daddy; we always have fun. I barked at my daddy, then turned on my charms, I woo-wooed, "Hello," then jumped in his arms. Sitting under the table -- it's sooo hard to wait. Daddy slipped me a goodie right off his plate. I raced through the house, and scattered my toys, ricocheted off the furniture, and made lots of noise. Mom found her purse -- the one I abused. Daddy let loose a chuckle. Mom asked, "Amused?" I cowered down low, I must be in trouble. Dad said, "Wasn't MY boy, it must be his double!" Mom turned off the TV, and said, "Time for bed." Dad said, "Let's go boy," and patted my head. I got in my spot, between Mom and Dad, I thought 'bout my day, and what fun I had. Mama kicked out my bone from the covers below, then let loose a sigh -- a sigh deep and low. She gave me a kiss, and snuggled me tight, and whispered so softly, 'My darling, goodnight.'

1. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
   
2. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
   
3. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed.
   
4. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
   
5. I will not eat the cats' food, before they eat it or after they throw it up.
   
6. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.
   
7. I will not throw up in the car.
   
8. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. just because I like the way they smell.
   
9. I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box; although they are tasty, they are not food.
   
10. I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
    
11. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
    
12. I will not chew my humans' toothbrushes and not tell them.
    
13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
    
14. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
    
15. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
    
16. I will not steal my mom's thong underwear and dance all over the backyard with them.
    
17. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are mom & dad's laps.
    
18. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
    
19. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for mom's driver's license and car registration.
    
20. I will not play tug-of-war with dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
    
21. I will not eat mint flavored dental floss out of the bathroom garbage; I do not want a string hanging out of my butt.
    
22. I will not roll around in the dirt right after just getting a bath.
    
23. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying hello.
    
24. I will not hump on any person's leg just because I thought they needed a good hump.
    
25. I will not fart in my owners' faces while sleeping on the pillow next to their head.
    
26. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.
    
27. The toilet bowl is not a never ending water supply and, just because the water is blue, it doesn't mean it is cleaner.
    
28. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over.
    
29. I will remember that suddenly turning around and smelling my butt can quickly clear a room.
    
30. The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
    

DOG LETTERS TO GOD

Dear God,
Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Where are their priorities?

Dear God,
When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?

Dear God,
Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle?

Dear God,
If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God,
If we come back as humans, is that good, or bad?

Dear God,
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God,
When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

Dear God,
Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the schnauzer across the street!

Dear God,
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God,
We dogs can understand over 250 human words, human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God,
May I have my testicles back?